Self Esteem

Many parents have the preconception that parents give their children self-esteem.  Positive self-esteem is a priceless gift that is earned.  It is amazing to discover children who are intelligent, talented, and full of potential, yet lacking positive self-esteem.

So how do children go about earning positive self-esteem?  Children develop self-esteem through accomplishments.  This does not need to be a death defying feat, nor does it entail an extraordinary heroic event.  Self-esteem develops when children are engaged in activities deemed worthwhile and then experience a positive and empowering outcome.

While it is important to receive affirmations from others for our accomplishments, this praise can be hollow.  Parents can lavish children with compliments, but it will not create a positive sense of self if they do not feel the praise is deserved.

Some youth perceive their efforts to be failures.  Sometimes these failures are in school, in relationships, or in feeling they have failed to live according to their core values and morals.  Parents can praise children continually, but it will have little value unless the children perceive their efforts worthy of praise.

Parents can help their children develop positive self-esteem by providing opportunities for accomplishment.  For an older adolescent it may be finishing a difficult book, catching a fish, or getting a good grade in a class they find difficult.  For a younger child it could be as simple as making the bed, riding a bike for the first time, or making dinner for the family.  It is much easier to build self-esteem in younger children because they have such a strong desire to help and experience new things.  Best yet, they have not experienced the bitter sting of failure.  It is more difficult to rebuild positive self-esteem in an adolescent who sees little success in their past and who looks to the future as a path to more of the same.

Words of encouragement can show your children you love and acknowledge their efforts, but it does not build self-esteem.  Praising your child may feel wonderful, but remember that self-esteem develops from within through accomplishments valued in the eyes of the child.