To Give or Not to Give

The sun has set and we are sitting around the campfire on a cool fall evening.  The night is clear with only a sliver of a moon and a multitude of stars glowing brightly in the dark sky.  The group is relaxed but intensely focused on the fireside conversation as the glow of the fire illuminates the faces of the group members.  It is a scene that for many of us may stir memories of camping with family or a scout troop.  This is very different however, because I am not a Scout Master and these are not boy scouts.  I am a marriage and family therapist and this is a group therapy session.  The conversation is not about ghost stories or scouting lore, but a substance abuse.  Around the fire ten young men between the ages of fourteen to seventeen sit with three adult wilderness guides and me, the therapist.

How did they get here?    Many of these young people had come to a point in their lives where they were out of control and making dangerous choices.  These youth were sent here to help save their lives from the destructive and deadly path they were on.   Many paths led to this evening campfire, but each youth had one common element, entitlement. 

As a marriage and family therapist, one of the most disturbing trends I encounter with today’s adolescents is entitlement.  Entitlement is not only the most common character trait among struggling adolescence, it is also one of the most destructive to family relationships.  Entitlement is a precursor to more serious problems such as oppositional defiance and conduct disorder.  It is rare that I treat an adolescent with substance abuse problems who does not also have serious entitlement issues.  Many parents ask me, “How did we get here?”, or “How did my child get to be like this?”.  They are heartbroken to find that after all they have done for their children, they now they have an adolescent who is distant, demanding, and disrespectful.  Many parents feel victimized by these behaviors, but fail to realize their role in creating them.  While entitlement often reaches it peak during adolescence, the seeds are planted early in childhood.